getting lost

today, on the gorgeous drive back to atlanta from helen (in north georgia), i caught myself completely zoning...lost in the music...and vacantly staring at the brightly colored mountains, rolling hills, and lonely farmhouses. i was tired, for sure, and that probably partly explains the empty, lost stare...beyond that, though, there's a kind of peace that comes with losing yourself in a rhythm, in melodic poetry. damien rice, elliot smith, sufjan stevens, coldplay, radiohead, iron & wine, andrew bird, alexi murdoch. it hits your soul but not your mind, really. it's an incredible way to let your thoughts fade away for a little while and get beneath them...they are all, after all, inspired in some ways by something more than just a thought.

this happened once in brazil too. i sat on a bus driving from jequié to salvador, a 6 hr ride in which the arid mountains turn to tropical beaches...radiohead sang in my ears the whole time. i had only been in brazil for about a month by this time, and in the course of 6 hrs, in the change from light to darkness, in the change from dryness to wetness, from mountains to valleys, from vacation to reality, my whole reason for being there made sudden sense and felt right. and at the same time, the reasons for my homesickness became perfectly clear. i didn't judge them though, that's the beauty of the whole thing...thoughts of what should be, what makes sense, what you thought was right, and what you'd never imagnined before...all of it sits in the background for a moment, embeds itself in the music.

i don't remember exactly what surfaced today when i zoned out. i wasn't hit with a sudden burst of inspiration (unless you count this post, of course) or a life-shattering epiphany. i didn't find a definite direction in my life, nor did i form any declarative ideas...but i found peace. i found reflection, and relaxation, and the realization that in that moment, i was exactly where i wanted and needed to be. i found the strength to take on the next 2 "hell weeks" that await me at school, and released the dread i'd been fighting for weeks. maybe it's like meditation, but i'm not really sure since i've never truly meditated before. i usually don't start these on purpose, and because i don't, i ask for nothing and expect nothing in return...i just get to be, and for now, that's enough.

brasileira de novo

esta noite eu vou a uma reunión da associacão dos estudantes brasileiros (se chama brasa aquí). estou ansiosa e emocionada, as duas...por que? bem...há quase 2 meses desde voltei nos estados unidos. ainda escrevo e falo (muito com mensagens, ha ha) com meus amigos lá, mas não é mesmo que ficando no brasil. eu passava 3 meses no brasil e eu aprendia muito sobre a cultura, a musica, a comida, as opiniões das pessoas, as crenças, a língua, etc. mais ainda não sei tudo. que facil para aprender coisas assim quando vc está lá, rodeada por todomundo, e que facil para cometer erros, porque ninguém espera que você sabe tudo e quase ninguém entende tudo sobre vc também.

mas aquí, todomundo sabe sobre a cultura americana, e talvez eles esperam que eu saiba muito sobre a cultura deles :/ bem, eu quero manter contato com brasil com qualquer manera e possivel, e suponho que preciso ir sem espectativas. eu sei que não sou uma brasileira, mas espero que esta noite, eu tenho a oportunidade para sentir um pouca de brasileira de novo :)

on thinking and feeling

i've always been a pretty idealistic person. i never really understood (and still don't, really) why people just can't "get over it" so to speak and talk to each other...i mean, why not? we're all people, right? yes, we all have different opinions and viewpoints across cultures, and even within cultures. why don't we see how lucky we are to have the opportunity to interact with people every day that can expand our perspectives, introduce us to new ideas, expose us to situations we'd never known about...well, that's how i see it, anyway.

when i was in brazil, though, and became a little more exposed to how the rest of the world views americans (as a whole), it hit me pretty hard and actually just made me sad. not that i had jumped into brazilian culture and had a perfectly smooth transition, and not that my friends and host family there had made generalizations about me that affected our relationships, but being face to face with the reality in the general population about my general population profoundly affected me. upon writing about this in my blog, i received some responses along the lines of, "well, you were always kinda idealistic. this is just how it is." i mean, i can't argue with the first part of that. i was and still am like that. i'm quick to trust, quick to accept, and quick to believe that everyone has the motives that i would think they'd have, motives to do good in their little pieces of the world.

but why does this have to be a view associated with ignorance? since when did this have to become such an anomaly? and as far as the second part of that statement goes, when did this become...it? it's not the end of the road, right? what's wrong with change? i know that people are people and as people we aren't perfect, of course. i don't know though, sometimes i just think that our ideologies get in the way and dictate our emotions too much. since when did thinking surpass feeling in importance? we still have instincts for a reason. i can't help it if i feel for people in situations not as blessed as mine, for people that feel the world has turned against them, for people singled out because of their religion, their appearance, their country of origin. and not that i'm perfect and only feel "nice" feelings, but still.

and now public schools, low on funding, are looking to cut the arts programs first...sucks. i go to tech, i know, and i appreciate the fact that knowing about science, math, and technology has brought us so far and will continue to do so, but i can't imagine living in a world of only numbers, circuits, chemicals.

you need them both in their own right, thinking and feeling. but letting one dictate the other to where it blocks it out entirely...that's where we get into trouble.

i don't want to choose.

a memory and a smile :)

so the other day, while driving to school, i was suddenly inspired to abandon my ipod (in the car at least) for the day in favor of some of my mix cd's from high school (yes, they are still in my car, ha ha :D). not sure why, exactly. fall has always had that effect on me though, making me reflective, nostalgic, and pensive about all of my falls before. weird, i know.

i love fall. the leaves are beautiful, granted, but it's something more than that...there's something about the air that just breathes of living the moment and all of those before it. symbolically, as my high school ap literature teacher would say, fall is the coming of the end, of death. but i don't know, i guess the death of one thing is the birth of another in a way, and it hits me more in the fall than the spring...and besides, i've had a lot of beginnings in the fall :)

so when i chose, the other day, to listen to my first cd mix aptly called "shove it!" (to express my sentiments about my newly broken heart in my senior year of high school), it brought me right back to sitting in the parking lot with my friends in my car with the heat running to keep out the cold (gas was cheaper then, ha ha)...it didn't make me sad, though, which i now realize looking back, i was sad for awhile (first love, ya know). i've noticed that too, that no matter how many terrible things have happened in the fall, in the past, when that crisp air brings me back to that time, it never brings those feelings, only the good things. it's not that i've blocked them out, i remember them clearly. hm.

fall makes me think of football, of halloween, of freedom, of promise, of love, of life, of death, of firsts, of lasts, of color, of warmth, of softness, of wine, of laughter, of relaxation, of action, of promises, of kisses, of ends, but of new beginnings too.

i guess everyone has their thing that just clicks with them, that just puts them in their element, that triggers their imaginations and their creativity. not that a season in and of itself can do all those things...in my case, music helps a lot, for instance. smells too. but really, i wouldn't have it any other way.

:)

still searching...

as i research topics about which to write my environmental microbiology midterm paper, it strikes me how this process mirrors that of figuring out what i'm going to do after i graduate (again) in may. i was always very encouraging to my graduating friends last spring about finding jobs and "ah, you have lots of time." well, i guess that's how you look at it when you have an outsider's perspective. now i'm the one trying to decide what i want to do with my hugely broad degrees when all the characteristics i want in my ideal job don't exist all in the same job. oops.

on the one hand, i don't want to be too picky so that i'm ruling out things that i just don't know enough about to make a judgment...i mean, hey, i might end up liking them. at the same time, though, i've realized that potential employers seem to be looking for a concrete answer when they ask, "what do you want to do in my company?" damn. i've always been horrible at making decisions. so where's the happy medium? there's some things i know i don't want to do, but lots of things i just don't know enough about. i want to be open to these opportunities in which i have no experience, but how? it almost feels like a bit of a double standard. why can't i just be honest once in awhile and say, "i don't know?" what happened to honesty is the best policy? i don't want to feel like i'm lying to an employer when i'm looking for a job but supposedly it's expected...there's no way that everyone my age (and older!) knows exactly what they want to do with their lives...so we all lie. great. it's like dating, you know? how far does lying get you in the long run? as someone that has experience with this, trust me when i say it gets you to the wrong place.

i want to be honest. i want this honesty to be expected. i'm tired of being expected to know how i want to spend 1/3 of my day after i graduate college right now, agora mesmo. i know i can't expect to find my dream job (if i only knew what that was) right away, if at all...but what good is telling someone what they want to hear when it makes you cringe to hear it come out of your own mouth?

it's more than a job thing, it's a people thing. enough with the charades.

every weekend a new adventure

this semester has been different for me so far in a lot of ways, and now that it's been about a month since i moved back up to atlanta and began a new chapter of my life in grad school, i feel like now's a good time to take a nice, objective look at it...awesome :)

so what have i been up to, exactly? well, for starters, this year has been a lot different because for the first time in 4 years, i'm not living on campus in some capacity or another. i can no longer walk to class (which makes me a little sad), but i can also no longer walk home during the day to waste time in my room, which is good. i plan my days ahead to include bringing my lunch from home (elementary school style, ha ha), bringing workout clothes for the gym, extra clothes to change into after the gym, extra books to do work during the day, anything extra i may need for meetings after class, etc. it's like a mental checklist in a way, and i really like it. i feel like staying at school all day (to avoid wasting gas by driving back and forth a couple of times a day) makes me think of everything i need to do and make sure it gets done...yay for productivity :)

i've been cooking more this year. having a real kitchen with all my stuff in it helps, but yeah...when i feel lazy it's not always the best thing, but it saves money, the food is good (well, most of the time, ha ha :D), and it's nice to have that kind of control over at least one aspect of your life :) i also haven't been able to see my boyfriend every day this year, which is a first during the school year for me (i've been spoiled, i know, ha ha)...the weekends, however, are a vast improvement from the 3 month span without seeing eachother this summer, so this is bearable. it actually motivates me to do more work during the week so that we can spend time together on the weekends...so far, so good :)

i haven't been doing as much work as i expected, and even with the intention of not becoming too involved in extracurriculars, i've still managed to get myself leadership (in some capacity) in 3 organizations...i just can't stay away, ha ha :) part of this, though, i think has always been a result of me not being completely a school-driven, sciencey, mathey person...i had a hard time picking a major for this reason, switching from marketing to journalism to engineering...wtf? truth is, i think i'd be happy in any of them, as long as i make room for the others in my life in some way or another. i'm trying to stay in touch with my adopted culture (yay brazil!), keep up with my portuguese and spanish, and meet kids from around the world in all of these organizations, and i love it :) i hope that i never have to give up that part of my life.

every weekend i've done something different and hung out with a big variety of friends that come from different circles. i've been taking more advantage of living in atlanta (not nyc, but a big city in it's own right), which has proven to be awesome and exciting...this is my 5th year living in the city, and never before had i gone to see improv, much less 2 times (one in piedmont park). i raced in a dragonboat last weekend (a little reminiscent of my crew days, ha ha). i went to a german beer fest a couple of weeks ago. i've triend new restaurants, new clubs, and have just enjoyed parking the car and walking around a little, or even taking marta (gasp! i know, ha ha). i couldn't ask for a better semester so far, really :) i still miss everyone in brazil dearly, but i'm working on my master plan of returning one day, and bringing some ppl in tow...it's going to be a party :)

every day i realize, though, how far i've come from being the scared freshman in a tiny dorm 4 years ago. i drive to school (reminds me of driving/riding the bus to work), i cook, i "keep house" for the first time in my college career, and yeah...things that i never thought i'd like, i do. i'm one of those ppl that wakes up and reads the newspaper now, and not even the living section (which used to be the only thing that i'd touch). where, along the way, did this happen? i like it, but at the same time it's weird to realize that i'm slowly approaching a level of equality with my parents (well, besides the whole being married and having kids thing, ha ha). i don't feel old, exactly, just more aware.

when i was a teenager, i was really in to art and stuff...i used to cut up my clothes, re-sew them as different things, paint them, etc. i loved it. i still love that stuff, just don't have much time for it anymore. in doing that, though, i felt i was expressing myself as it could be expressed no other way, and that the way i saw the world was how it was. now, still love all those things, but when i express myself through words or art, it comes out a little differently, with a little different spin. there are some things you just can't understand until you've been through them, and of course i haven't been through everything. i feel like now, though, when i look at the world (and now that i've seen a little more of it), i just see...more. when i was 16 i didn't care much who was president, what was going on in countries across the world...and most of all, i just didn't see the world for it's people. i've met so many people since i left fayetteville for school, and it's just been incredible.

your knowledge is nothing without people. and all of those emotions and perspectives you experience are all inspired (in part) by lots of people too. i guess i've rediscovered the value of people, all in different ways, in all different people :)

well, i guess this is growing up.

inspiration

inspiration can bring out the best and the worst in people, i think. we usually think of inspiration as something uplifting, something that drives you to strive for something greater, to look beyond a point to which you might have limited yourself before. but what if all of this vision goes in the wrong direction? i mean, i guess it's a matter of perspective, but generally a direction that hurts, destroys, and pillages...no bueno.

tonight, as i reread some of my blog posts from when i was in brazil, i was struck by how not only the place itself awoke inspiration in me, but also social situations, personal relationships, and the perceptions of those around me - sometimes i was angry, sometimes exhilarated beyond words, sometimes frustrated beyond tears - and all in the span of 3 months. i learned more about myself in that 3 months than i probably learned about myself in all of 2006, which is incredible. but it was also a little frightening. looking back, the very situations that drove me to tears, irrepressible laughter, and the simultaneous feeling of belonging and feeling like an outsider came out in so many different ways through my writing and inspired me to experience so many different feelings. amazing, incredible, ridiculous...and after all of this, i'm still me.

this past weekend was incredible. i got to hang out with people from all different circles of friends, some at the same time, all in unfamiliar environments. it feels new but always familiar, kinda like how it felt to return to the u.s. after being in brazil for 3 months...so short of a time, yet so long. i met one of these people last summer in france. he stayed in germany for a year after that, and we're just now getting the hang of chillin in the U.S. together...but even after a year, he's still the same, well to me anyway. did 11 months in germany not change him? or am i not looking hard enough? and if i hadn't told him would he even know i ever went to brazil based on how i act? sometimes i feel that my perceptions of my actions and the ways in which others perceive my actions are not the same...so really, all this changing that i thought i did in brazil, and the revelations i expressed through this very blog, are they only in my mind?

i'd like to think that something more happened than a bunch of stuff in my head. but as time passes here more brazilian mannerisms, perceptions, and portuguese words slip through my brain, no matter how much i try to stop them. i don't want this to just be a string of distant memories and a folder of photos on my computer. i want to keep this real, i want to feel all of those ways that i felt again. and that won't happen here. que pena...

once a nomad, it seems, always a nomad.
you never go back...well, not willingly anyway :)