a little bit of catch up

so i realize it's been 2 weeks since i've posted, which even by my standards in the u.s. for posting on this thing is a long time. guess it goes to show how busy i've been lately, ha ha :) so what's been going on, you may ask?

well, we had a conference in tandil, argentina, a town about 6 hrs by bus from buenos aires. the theme of the conference was "shake it to exchange!" which i think we defninitely got across. i'm still getting emails from the lc's saying, "we're shaking it! we raised a form!" i. love. it. our intro dance as a team was even to a song called "shake it" (are we seeing enough of the theme here?), in which i acted like a crazy person yelling and headbanging in front of the entire plenary - eh, good start to my image, huh? the first couple days consisted of us explaining the current state of the region and getting feedback on our plan for the next year through lots of work with the lcp's and members of the executive boards in each committee. i hadn't thought it'd be a big deal, but when it came time for me to start speaking in front of everyone, i froze - i was terrified. i don't know what of, exactly. i've facilitated before many times and done public speaking-type things, but the whole environment was different. i felt like an outsider and like i wasn't getting across at all, and it came back in the feedback - they weren't seeing me as a leader. damn it. after hitting the 2.5 month mark of being away, trying to adapt to 2 different cultures, trying to learn the language, missing people back home, etc, it was just too much. i wanted to burst into tears after the second night and the thought of standing in front of everyone to prove to them that i was in fact qualified to be here only stressed me more.

but i did it.

as much as i wanted to deliver my sessions in spanish, just as a personal thing, i decided it had to go for me to do this as i wanted to do it. it's ok though, i did my functional tracks mainly in spanish and it was good :) they handed me a microphone. damn it. let's add to the craziness, no? but as i stood in the middle (mic in hand) and started talking, the words came out - and they weren't too bad :) the room was silent, all eyes looking at me, and i finally came out from behind my title and my teammates to show them that i did deserve to be here, that i am qualified, that i'm comfortable, and that i'm ready to lead. wow.

when you apply for a position like mc, the application makes it sound like you need to have all your competencies and fears in their proper places - that you're basically developed to where you need to be. what they don't tell you is how much room you still have and how much you will still grow.

i can't separate myself now from this experience, and i know that i never will. my future plans have altered already because of it, and i know that it's something i'll take with me for the rest of my life. if and when you have the chance to do something so profound - DO IT.

juan arrives in 4 weeks to stay for 9 months (at least) :) i couldn't be happier right now. bring on the adventure.

perfectionism, balance, and accepting yourself.

i wish i wasn't so tired (and needing to go to bed) so that i could write everything that i want right now. i wish i could describe how the past few days have truly changed my outlook on my experience and on myself within it - it seems i needed team days more than i ever thought i did. it's amazing what a little feedback can do for you, both positive and negative. you always think you see yourself for who you are and that you know yourself better than anyone; you never realize that you couldn't be further from the truth.

i've always been very critical of myself. a perfectionist, some would say. in high school it paid off - i graduated first in my class of 530 (más o menos). in college, however, this had to go - and fast. georgia tech knocked me down hard with my first (of what would become more) 45/100 on a test. perfect. you think you might have a fighting chance in being intelligent and then all of a sudden you're at the bottom of the class, fighting every day to keep your head above water in a sea of integrals, numbers, and variables. over the past 5 years, i learned to control my perfectionism, since not only would i have gone crazy if i didn't, it just wasn't possible for me. i learned how to balance my life among friends, extracurriculars, school, and myself, and it was glorious :)

so after finally getting the hang of it, here i am again, back to being 18 - cri.ti.cal.

understandably, i'm in a new (or many new) place(es). i've been in 3 cities in 2 countries in the past week, for instance. every day working. every day living. i love it. what better way to learn about yourself than to be thrown into a situation completely unfamiliar? it's all instinct, they say, who you are really - unless you're one of those, like me, whose mind can't shut up. i came here with certain expectations, which have been met, surpassed, and not even close in some cases. i've learned more in the past 2.5 months here than i learned in 4 yrs of high school and more about myself than i ever learned in college. i've been upset, sick, tired, elated, excited, exhausted, terrified, nervous, patient, impatient, confident, diffident, lost, sure, and so much more - and here i sit, tired as ever, writing.

i grow every day, yes, but it hasn't been easy. i'm still growing now. i hope i grow tomorrow, and i know i have so far to go but soooo much support to do it. i've felt more sure of myself today than i have in awhile, and it feels damn good.

bring it, i'm ready.