and then you start thinking that you almost belong.

i heard a quote from a friend today that made a lot of sense - it was funny, granted, but true.

"aiesecers know where they want to end up in life - they just don't know where they'll be next year."

how. true. if you had asked me a year ago what i'd be doing about now, i'd probably have told you that i'd be working in some environmental firm somewhere designing water treatment plants or something on the computer all day. if you had proceeded to tell me that i'd be living in chile in an apartment with no fridge, little furniture, 3 people from 3 different countries, and working for an administrative body of aiesec that oversees its operation in 3 completely foreign countries (to me), i probably would've laughed at you or given you the look like you'd gone crazy. my life here is incredible, really, and i sometimes have to stop and wonder how i even got here in the first place - sometimes i still just can't believe it.

when do people you've just met become friends? and when does a country and culture so foreign become yours? it's all very gradual, i guess, until one day you realize that you don't feel so out of place anymore - you almost belong.

tonight i went out with some friends to say goodbye to sarah, my fellow gringa who has been living here for the past 7 months - it'd weird to think that even a month ago i really only knew her by sight, and as of today, she really had become one of my friends here. she leaves tomorrow for the u.s. - she's at the end of her chilean journey. as she talked to me the other night about all the things she missed from home, simple things really, it struck me how long it would be for me until i'd have them. i don't have 7 months here yet, so i guess i'm just not feeling it quite as strongly. but i think it's something else too. at this point in my brazilian experience last summer, i was 3 weeks away from going home - and i could feel it. every day spent was another closer to home and the people there, not so much the things, but still. i loved my time there and i loved the people, but it was like having something else that i missed so much so close i could taste it - and a taste was all it took to make me miss it so much more.

right now i look at my journey and see 5 more months until i'll set foot on u.s. soil again, then another 5-6 afterwards back here in chile. 5 more months before i'll eat my mom's food or drive my car or sing to the mirror in my bedroom. whatever. but right now it's ok. right now i miss the people like mad - my family, my friends, my boyfriend (who hopefully i'll get to see soon!) - but not the things, and it's bearable i think because i know i won't see them for 5 months and i'm mentally prepared. but who knows - i can't lie, this cold rain is really making me want summer right now :)

anyway, i think it's the taste that tortures you the most in things like this, especially once you've adapted to another and almost felt like you belonged.

i know i'll never be chilean completely, but if i can be almost - enough to fit in, enough to appreciate my life here for what it is, enough to live - i'll be in the best position possible to live as i should, no matter where i am at the time.

...on being a nomad

i´ve discovered a lot over the past 3 months...well, that´s an understatement really, ha ha :) and with as much as i´ve learned, i´ve further discovered that i know basically 1/5654165456465456498786465486 (or less) of all i could possibly know about in this world. wow.

the full realization of that hits pretty hard, especially since i just spent the last 18 years of my life getting educated, and after graduating with a college degree, i´m now realizing that i know basically nothing, ha ha :) it´s liberating in a way, since you still have such a far way to go, so many things left to explore - but it´s frustrating in a way too, since you still have such a far way to go. depends how you look at i guess, like with anything else.

kinda like my time here...3 days. i can´t believe it, it´s gone by so fast! what have i been doing with myself for the past 3 months? ok, working obviously, and hanging out with amazing aiesecers and other incredible people i´ve met here. but really, what have i done? in some ways i feel like a completely different person, but i don´t know why exactly, and i couldn´t tell you what about me has changed. maybe nothing´s changed, it´s just my perception. who knows. in some ways, though, i feel more like myself than ever...not an old self, necessarily, just a self, and i´m comfortable with that, maybe moreso than ever before. sweet.

well, regardless of what may or may not have changed over the past 3 months, this fact remains...i leave in 3 days, and i think i´m now starting to get my first taste or what it truly is to be a nomad. for a nomad, the world is your home, or nowhere´s your home, depends how you look at it. when i return to the u.s. for a little while i´ll be a stranger in my own country, which is good, that´s the point. i´ll be doing all over again what i did 3 months ago...leaving my home. except this time, i´ll be leaving friends here that i may realistically never see again (which i´ve been trying not to think about) and a place that even when (yes, when, i´m coming back one day :D) i return, will never quite be the same. it´s hard to think that this one piece of your life will never return, or at least not in the same way. but that´s how it is for a nomad that hangs out with nomads.

in the past year, i don´t think all of my aiesec friends have been in the same country at the same time. but that´s what aiesecers do...nomad...and somewhere along the way you have to accept that with this lifestyle, goodbye is hello and hello goodbye as much as i´m american-born and bred but can still be a stranger in my own country. a glorious paradox...frustrating, elating.

lately, i haven´t been able to stop thinking about atlanta and the people there that i´ve missed for the past 3 months, especially since i´m soooo close to seeing them. at the same time, though, i know i´m going to miss brazil and the people here too and want to live it up. so as a result, i´m crazy confused and torn all the time. it´s easy enough to say to concentrate on living it up here while i´m here, but when you´re down to 3, there´s no avoiding departure and thinking about what awaits you on the flip side. and there´s no shame if what´s waiting there for you gives you a huge smile just thinking about it :)

because after all, hello and goodbye are really one and the same. the italians, hawaiians, and everyone else that has one word that means hello and goodbye in their language had the right idea :D so really i guess in this case, my first taste of what it truly is to be a nomad, it´s all in my perception...hello or goodbye?

i´m indecisive...maybe i´ll just settle for ciao.