rambling thoughts on misunderstanding - warning: it doesn't make much sense :)

i feel like this has come up a lot lately for me - how? lots of ways - distance, language, culture - you know, the normal ones.

it's not always bad to be misunderstood, of course, but when it comes to really feeling comfortable in your skin and in your head in a place where both are pretty foreign, it can just be, well, frustrating. i'm not having problems with anyone here - no problems with my job, my life in general - i think my biggest problem is just figuring out how to do it all, to be my estadounidense self with all the ideas and perspectives that come with it, to be a sensitive foreigner in a different culture (well, more than that - to adapt), to relate to both cultures while really not completely relating to either. how am i supposed to do that? i never was the stereotypical american, i guess, but it was always pretty apparent to myself (and others many times too) where i was from. so for now i'm not chilean, but i'm beyond my american view too - i guess you can't be defined by a culture, though it is nice to relate to something. hmm, i'm rambling...

well, i am proud of my country and love it - it's not perfect, but that's ok, no country is. just because i meet americans here doesn't mean i have to like them or be like them - and if i do and am, well, i guess i have a new friend :) my friends here are from all over, and that's pretty cool - well, lots of my friends at home were too, including my boyfriend - and that's incredible too. i need to take things more as they are, i think - i get too far into my head and get lost, total waste of energy.

so for now, i'm just going to sit here and listen to my 311 and think of my high school summers in fayetteville spent driving in the oppressive heat to the lake or the movies or wherever - then when imogen heap comes on i'll think of my summer of indulgence and insatiable desire to travel (that still hasn't left me, obviously) in france - then when ivete sangalo comes on i'll be right back on the beach in brazil drinking beer and eating bolinhos as angry waves crash on the beach - and then reggaeton will come on and i'll be right here, right now, all of these things together. and that's what it is.

so please don't expect me to be one of these people all the time, or assume i am because i'm from where i'm from or i've been where i've been - i'm just me - i think too much, fall hard, trust fast, don't mind living simply, am always 15 minutes late, and would be content to just feel valuable, needed, loved, and appreciated - i'm not a "stuff" person really.

and if i'm going to be misunderstood, i'd prefer that it was this and not my home country or my adopted country or any other country or culture that got mixed up in the middle - if only the world were that simple :)

things i take for granted

here are just some random thoughts about realizations i´ve had about things that i take for granted, both here and in the u.s. (note that they´re different sometimes and the same sometimes):

in the u.s.
-having people around me (or close to me at least) that have known me since i was born and that i´m still close to
-speaking/writing/reading/understanding english (and all that goes with that, which is a lot)
-knowledge of my surroundings and how to get around
-a car (and so mobility independence)
-my family
-my boyfriend
-my friends
-financial support
-my culture
-my routine and habits (ie working out, buying my favorite foods, etc)
-credit cards and debit cards that work everywhere
-blending in
-familiarity with temperature and distance
-my music
-personal accessibility

in brazil
-my uniqueness
-the newness of everything and the adventure that comes with it
-financial support
-the beach!
-the pace of the culture (everything and everyone is super relaxed)
-my opportunities to learn
-the power of words (i think i lost this appreciation doing an engineering degree for 4 years, ha ha)
-the love i feel from everyone back home that seems to mean so much more because it comes from so far away
-my music
-discovering new food, music, dances, ideas, etc
-meeting new people
-the amazingness of the people that have helped me so so so much here
-the internet (its how i keep in touch with a lot of people and things going on in the world)
-skype!!!

there´s more, i´m sure, for each list, but i think these give you a good idea of what´s up. i feel that i´ve learned so much more about myself, about the culture here, and even more about my own culture since i´ve been here. as sean once described in his blog, too, i´ve learned more about other people, not just becasue i´ve met such a variety here, but about people at home...actions in the face of adversity (in this case location and communication) can tell you a lot about a person and your relationship with them...i´d have to say that i´ve only seen positivity in this area :D i´m also glad that i didn´t line up a real job for myself to start after this experience ends, becasue i´m just now starting to realize what i want to do (i´m not for sure yet, but i finally have a direction) as a result of lots of factors here...i very easily could´ve made myself miserable in a job i didn´t like, and i´m glad i didn´t rush. i´ve learned to relax a little more and to not be afraid of my thoughts, my words, and my emotions when i´m alone (which isn´t often yet always here), and being comfortable with yourself is one of the most important things to being happy, i think.

you don´t have to think you´re perfect, but you have to accept things.

wow, i just rambled a lot. if you made it this far, i hope this made sense :)