and then there was one.

i arrived to an apartment hosting 5 people - 2 months, 0.5 weeks ago

i lived with 7 people, only one a permanent future roommate, in this apartment - 1 month ago

i live with 2 people, both permanent roommates, in this apartment right now.

i will live alone for the weekend in this apartment that has hosted us all.

if only walls could talk.

rambling thoughts on misunderstanding - warning: it doesn't make much sense :)

i feel like this has come up a lot lately for me - how? lots of ways - distance, language, culture - you know, the normal ones.

it's not always bad to be misunderstood, of course, but when it comes to really feeling comfortable in your skin and in your head in a place where both are pretty foreign, it can just be, well, frustrating. i'm not having problems with anyone here - no problems with my job, my life in general - i think my biggest problem is just figuring out how to do it all, to be my estadounidense self with all the ideas and perspectives that come with it, to be a sensitive foreigner in a different culture (well, more than that - to adapt), to relate to both cultures while really not completely relating to either. how am i supposed to do that? i never was the stereotypical american, i guess, but it was always pretty apparent to myself (and others many times too) where i was from. so for now i'm not chilean, but i'm beyond my american view too - i guess you can't be defined by a culture, though it is nice to relate to something. hmm, i'm rambling...

well, i am proud of my country and love it - it's not perfect, but that's ok, no country is. just because i meet americans here doesn't mean i have to like them or be like them - and if i do and am, well, i guess i have a new friend :) my friends here are from all over, and that's pretty cool - well, lots of my friends at home were too, including my boyfriend - and that's incredible too. i need to take things more as they are, i think - i get too far into my head and get lost, total waste of energy.

so for now, i'm just going to sit here and listen to my 311 and think of my high school summers in fayetteville spent driving in the oppressive heat to the lake or the movies or wherever - then when imogen heap comes on i'll think of my summer of indulgence and insatiable desire to travel (that still hasn't left me, obviously) in france - then when ivete sangalo comes on i'll be right back on the beach in brazil drinking beer and eating bolinhos as angry waves crash on the beach - and then reggaeton will come on and i'll be right here, right now, all of these things together. and that's what it is.

so please don't expect me to be one of these people all the time, or assume i am because i'm from where i'm from or i've been where i've been - i'm just me - i think too much, fall hard, trust fast, don't mind living simply, am always 15 minutes late, and would be content to just feel valuable, needed, loved, and appreciated - i'm not a "stuff" person really.

and if i'm going to be misunderstood, i'd prefer that it was this and not my home country or my adopted country or any other country or culture that got mixed up in the middle - if only the world were that simple :)

getting into the swing

the past 3 weeks have probably been the hardest of my life for various reasons...i left home for a strange country and a strange culture, and with it my family, friends, boyfriend, and the comfort they offer whether they mean to or not. everyone here was (and still is) completely amazing and helpful, not to mention that the land here is gorgeous - and yet i felt as alone and conspicuous as i´ve ever felt in my life. not an inspiring feeling when the only people you can talk to about it #1 probably don´t understand and #2 are 4000 miles away...well, that was the past 3 weeks anyway.

this past sunday marking the official close of my 3rd week here, i finally felt comfortable here, i realized. it was the craziest thing, just very sudden, you know? it´s like when you´re learning to drive and it never feels natural even though you know what to do until one day you just get in the car and it feels...right :) it was kinda like that. i´m a little disappointed because i thought myself to be more adaptable that this, it took way too long. i can´t help but ask myself "why?" but then realize that there´s more to it than me, there always is.

good thing, too :) i definitely don´t know everything, as evidenced by my failing to drink enough during and after 6 hours in the hot sun of a bahian beach on sunday...let´s just say i was very very sick yesterday, ha ha...i´ve realized that no matter how independent i think i am and how logical my ideas, i can´t do things alone, no one can. that´s what living the dream is, really.

i think my biggest misconception before coming to brazil was that "the dream" would be perfect, my experience here would be flawless, i wouldn´t feel a day of lonliness or sadness nor a twinge of misunderstanding...you know, perfect, as people usually assume dreams to be. that´s what we all mean when we say we want this "dream job" and that "dream guy (or girl for you guys, ha ha)," right? well, here´s the thing that has become very apparent to me over the past 3 weeks and that i think we´d all do well to realize so as not to have unrealistic expectations for ourselves and other people...dreams, when lived, will never be perfect - and that´s what makes them so amazing. if i had been dropped into this country and the second i hit the ground become brazilian, what good would that do me? i´d learn nothing, just go on as i do anyway and everything would work out...what kind of dream is that, to continue on as you have forever and ever and ever with no opposition to your point of view and therefore no motivation for it to expand?

it´s a type of irony then, i guess, that "living the dream" isn´t perfect, as i thought it would be...but it´s been more perfect for me than i ever could have imagined.

beijos :)

made it!

so i finally made it to brazil :) i´m writing this from my host family´s house, and they´re completely awesome, btw...after a 9 hr flight to sao paulo little bit of stress about almost missing my second plane this morning, i arrived in salvador at about 11am.


the aiesecers were there waiting for me with a big red poster that said, welcome to salvador, johanna! and beijos (kisses) written all over the place. as is customary in latin cultures, we all exchanged a beijo on each cheek as a greeting then headed to the car. what a huge city! although the 3rd largest city in brazil, i wasn´t expecting a city this big! the rolling hills of the landscape made the buildings look like they sat on waves in the ocean, and tall buildings scattered among smaller, colorful houses give the landscape a completely new identity. granted, it wasn´t the most beautiful day since it´s been raining for the past week, apparently. everyone assures me, though, that this weather isn´t typical...i hope so :)

it´s been a full day, for sure, and i´d like to write about it in as much detail as i can, but to be honest i´m so tired that i´ll just put in the most striking parts. i went to a concert put on by a local band tonight with 4 aiesecers (2 brazilian, 1 colombian, 1 american) and 2 other brazilian friends that was completely awesome :) they played alternative/rock kind of music like you might hear in the u.s. or any country i guess, but it had a distinct brazilian flair with the beats and of course the portuguese...speaking of portuguese, what a beautiful language! not many people here speak english, and those that do have varying levels, which i´m really happy about...it means i have to learn!!! hopefully i´ll come back having made some progess in this area. my host family has said that they´ll help me, which i´m really grateful for :)

ok, jump to 2 days later...today is tuesday the 13th, ha ha. sorry i haven´t kept up with this as much as i´d like, it´s been very busy around here :) just to fill in, after the concert, we went to the apartment/house (i´ll post pictures) of some british boys that work with the colombian girl...their apt. was on the 18th floor of the building with a huuuuge balcony...so what did we do? we put on some music and danced! i tried to learn samba but to no avail...ah, well, there´s more time for that :)

yesterday i went to work to meet my boss and co-workers then went to take care of some immigration-type papers...not too exciting. last night, though, i did hang out with my host sister and we stayed up talking for awhile :) i love hearing the different perspectives on everything from moving out to dating to driving, etc. when you guys go abroad, if you have the chance to live with locals, DO IT. you experience more than just what´s outside, ya know? you eat what they eat, sleep where they sleep, do what they do basically...and in my case and many others i´m sure, the whole family doesn´t speak my language (neither do 98% of my co-workers) so i´ve been having "conversations" (note that they´re very basic and full of mistakes and body language) in portuguese when 3 days ago i barely knew a word. you have to, and what better way to be immersed than being immersed in everything?

ok, this is really long...desculpe (i´m sorry), but i´ll try to be better about posting in a timely manner and adding some pictures in the future :)

beijos :)