abraço.

a little bit of catch up

noreply@blogger.com (Johanna) — Mon, 17 Aug 2009 16:21:00 +0000

so i realize it's been 2 weeks since i've posted, which even by my standards in the u.s. for posting on this thing is a long time. guess it goes to show how busy i've been lately, ha ha :) so what's been going on, you may ask?

well, we had a conference in tandil, argentina, a town about 6 hrs by bus from buenos aires. the theme of the conference was "shake it to exchange!" which i think we defninitely got across. i'm still getting emails from the lc's saying, "we're shaking it! we raised a form!" i. love. it. our intro dance as a team was even to a song called "shake it" (are we seeing enough of the theme here?), in which i acted like a crazy person yelling and headbanging in front of the entire plenary - eh, good start to my image, huh? the first couple days consisted of us explaining the current state of the region and getting feedback on our plan for the next year through lots of work with the lcp's and members of the executive boards in each committee. i hadn't thought it'd be a big deal, but when it came time for me to start speaking in front of everyone, i froze - i was terrified. i don't know what of, exactly. i've facilitated before many times and done public speaking-type things, but the whole environment was different. i felt like an outsider and like i wasn't getting across at all, and it came back in the feedback - they weren't seeing me as a leader. damn it. after hitting the 2.5 month mark of being away, trying to adapt to 2 different cultures, trying to learn the language, missing people back home, etc, it was just too much. i wanted to burst into tears after the second night and the thought of standing in front of everyone to prove to them that i was in fact qualified to be here only stressed me more.

but i did it.

as much as i wanted to deliver my sessions in spanish, just as a personal thing, i decided it had to go for me to do this as i wanted to do it. it's ok though, i did my functional tracks mainly in spanish and it was good :) they handed me a microphone. damn it. let's add to the craziness, no? but as i stood in the middle (mic in hand) and started talking, the words came out - and they weren't too bad :) the room was silent, all eyes looking at me, and i finally came out from behind my title and my teammates to show them that i did deserve to be here, that i am qualified, that i'm comfortable, and that i'm ready to lead. wow.

when you apply for a position like mc, the application makes it sound like you need to have all your competencies and fears in their proper places - that you're basically developed to where you need to be. what they don't tell you is how much room you still have and how much you will still grow.

i can't separate myself now from this experience, and i know that i never will. my future plans have altered already because of it, and i know that it's something i'll take with me for the rest of my life. if and when you have the chance to do something so profound - DO IT.

juan arrives in 4 weeks to stay for 9 months (at least) :) i couldn't be happier right now. bring on the adventure.

perfectionism, balance, and accepting yourself.

noreply@blogger.com (Johanna) — Mon, 03 Aug 2009 04:52:00 +0000

i wish i wasn't so tired (and needing to go to bed) so that i could write everything that i want right now. i wish i could describe how the past few days have truly changed my outlook on my experience and on myself within it - it seems i needed team days more than i ever thought i did. it's amazing what a little feedback can do for you, both positive and negative. you always think you see yourself for who you are and that you know yourself better than anyone; you never realize that you couldn't be further from the truth.

i've always been very critical of myself. a perfectionist, some would say. in high school it paid off - i graduated first in my class of 530 (más o menos). in college, however, this had to go - and fast. georgia tech knocked me down hard with my first (of what would become more) 45/100 on a test. perfect. you think you might have a fighting chance in being intelligent and then all of a sudden you're at the bottom of the class, fighting every day to keep your head above water in a sea of integrals, numbers, and variables. over the past 5 years, i learned to control my perfectionism, since not only would i have gone crazy if i didn't, it just wasn't possible for me. i learned how to balance my life among friends, extracurriculars, school, and myself, and it was glorious :)

so after finally getting the hang of it, here i am again, back to being 18 - cri.ti.cal.

understandably, i'm in a new (or many new) place(es). i've been in 3 cities in 2 countries in the past week, for instance. every day working. every day living. i love it. what better way to learn about yourself than to be thrown into a situation completely unfamiliar? it's all instinct, they say, who you are really - unless you're one of those, like me, whose mind can't shut up. i came here with certain expectations, which have been met, surpassed, and not even close in some cases. i've learned more in the past 2.5 months here than i learned in 4 yrs of high school and more about myself than i ever learned in college. i've been upset, sick, tired, elated, excited, exhausted, terrified, nervous, patient, impatient, confident, diffident, lost, sure, and so much more - and here i sit, tired as ever, writing.

i grow every day, yes, but it hasn't been easy. i'm still growing now. i hope i grow tomorrow, and i know i have so far to go but soooo much support to do it. i've felt more sure of myself today than i have in awhile, and it feels damn good.

bring it, i'm ready.

just over the cordillera...

noreply@blogger.com (Johanna) — Thu, 30 Jul 2009 04:40:00 +0000

...it's more different than i could've imagined - the other half of my team is here, working and living as we work and live in santiago but in a place so different yet the same - shhh - old friends are always up for some pizza and beer - less palta, more pasta - the air is truly beautiful :)

ah, buenos aires, gracias por invitarme.

and then you start thinking that you almost belong.

noreply@blogger.com (Johanna) — Wed, 22 Jul 2009 04:33:00 +0000

i heard a quote from a friend today that made a lot of sense - it was funny, granted, but true.

"aiesecers know where they want to end up in life - they just don't know where they'll be next year."

how. true. if you had asked me a year ago what i'd be doing about now, i'd probably have told you that i'd be working in some environmental firm somewhere designing water treatment plants or something on the computer all day. if you had proceeded to tell me that i'd be living in chile in an apartment with no fridge, little furniture, 3 people from 3 different countries, and working for an administrative body of aiesec that oversees its operation in 3 completely foreign countries (to me), i probably would've laughed at you or given you the look like you'd gone crazy. my life here is incredible, really, and i sometimes have to stop and wonder how i even got here in the first place - sometimes i still just can't believe it.

when do people you've just met become friends? and when does a country and culture so foreign become yours? it's all very gradual, i guess, until one day you realize that you don't feel so out of place anymore - you almost belong.

tonight i went out with some friends to say goodbye to sarah, my fellow gringa who has been living here for the past 7 months - it'd weird to think that even a month ago i really only knew her by sight, and as of today, she really had become one of my friends here. she leaves tomorrow for the u.s. - she's at the end of her chilean journey. as she talked to me the other night about all the things she missed from home, simple things really, it struck me how long it would be for me until i'd have them. i don't have 7 months here yet, so i guess i'm just not feeling it quite as strongly. but i think it's something else too. at this point in my brazilian experience last summer, i was 3 weeks away from going home - and i could feel it. every day spent was another closer to home and the people there, not so much the things, but still. i loved my time there and i loved the people, but it was like having something else that i missed so much so close i could taste it - and a taste was all it took to make me miss it so much more.

right now i look at my journey and see 5 more months until i'll set foot on u.s. soil again, then another 5-6 afterwards back here in chile. 5 more months before i'll eat my mom's food or drive my car or sing to the mirror in my bedroom. whatever. but right now it's ok. right now i miss the people like mad - my family, my friends, my boyfriend (who hopefully i'll get to see soon!) - but not the things, and it's bearable i think because i know i won't see them for 5 months and i'm mentally prepared. but who knows - i can't lie, this cold rain is really making me want summer right now :)

anyway, i think it's the taste that tortures you the most in things like this, especially once you've adapted to another and almost felt like you belonged.

i know i'll never be chilean completely, but if i can be almost - enough to fit in, enough to appreciate my life here for what it is, enough to live - i'll be in the best position possible to live as i should, no matter where i am at the time.

and then there was one.

noreply@blogger.com (Johanna) — Fri, 17 Jul 2009 04:06:00 +0000

i arrived to an apartment hosting 5 people - 2 months, 0.5 weeks ago

i lived with 7 people, only one a permanent future roommate, in this apartment - 1 month ago

i live with 2 people, both permanent roommates, in this apartment right now.

i will live alone for the weekend in this apartment that has hosted us all.

if only walls could talk.

adventures on the cerro

noreply@blogger.com (Johanna) — Sun, 12 Jul 2009 15:53:00 +0000

some of you might remember that i posted a couple of weeks ago about cerro san cristobal, the "hill" (more like a small mountain) that houses the largest park in santiago :) for those of you who know me, you know - i. love. parks.

i skated as much as i could in piedmont park in atl - almost every city i traveled to in europe i desperately searched for a park to chill out in, to people watch, to sleep, to just decompress - here is no exception, especially since cerro san cristobal holds multiple parks (can you imagine?!) and even a zoo! not to mention its amazing views of the city from the top where the virgin stands watching over the city...

anyway, in accordance with my park obsession, i dragged some friends along with me yesterday for cerro san cristobal part deux, this time minus the running (though we did walk and accordingly get lost...). this time i thought far enough in advance to bring along my camera, hence the pictures :) there's still a lot left in this park to explore, and i'm really excited that it's a 15 minute walk from my apartment - i think i have found my favorite place in santiago.

UPDATE: ok, so for some reason blogger doesn't like me and won't let me put pictures up :( you'll find them in my facebook album though :D (they're at the end...)

rambling thoughts on misunderstanding - warning: it doesn't make much sense :)

noreply@blogger.com (Johanna) — Thu, 09 Jul 2009 19:24:00 +0000

i feel like this has come up a lot lately for me - how? lots of ways - distance, language, culture - you know, the normal ones.

it's not always bad to be misunderstood, of course, but when it comes to really feeling comfortable in your skin and in your head in a place where both are pretty foreign, it can just be, well, frustrating. i'm not having problems with anyone here - no problems with my job, my life in general - i think my biggest problem is just figuring out how to do it all, to be my estadounidense self with all the ideas and perspectives that come with it, to be a sensitive foreigner in a different culture (well, more than that - to adapt), to relate to both cultures while really not completely relating to either. how am i supposed to do that? i never was the stereotypical american, i guess, but it was always pretty apparent to myself (and others many times too) where i was from. so for now i'm not chilean, but i'm beyond my american view too - i guess you can't be defined by a culture, though it is nice to relate to something. hmm, i'm rambling...

well, i am proud of my country and love it - it's not perfect, but that's ok, no country is. just because i meet americans here doesn't mean i have to like them or be like them - and if i do and am, well, i guess i have a new friend :) my friends here are from all over, and that's pretty cool - well, lots of my friends at home were too, including my boyfriend - and that's incredible too. i need to take things more as they are, i think - i get too far into my head and get lost, total waste of energy.

so for now, i'm just going to sit here and listen to my 311 and think of my high school summers in fayetteville spent driving in the oppressive heat to the lake or the movies or wherever - then when imogen heap comes on i'll think of my summer of indulgence and insatiable desire to travel (that still hasn't left me, obviously) in france - then when ivete sangalo comes on i'll be right back on the beach in brazil drinking beer and eating bolinhos as angry waves crash on the beach - and then reggaeton will come on and i'll be right here, right now, all of these things together. and that's what it is.

so please don't expect me to be one of these people all the time, or assume i am because i'm from where i'm from or i've been where i've been - i'm just me - i think too much, fall hard, trust fast, don't mind living simply, am always 15 minutes late, and would be content to just feel valuable, needed, loved, and appreciated - i'm not a "stuff" person really.

and if i'm going to be misunderstood, i'd prefer that it was this and not my home country or my adopted country or any other country or culture that got mixed up in the middle - if only the world were that simple :)

just like fiction

noreply@blogger.com (Johanna) — Mon, 06 Jul 2009 20:03:00 +0000

it's a movie title, i know, but it was a good movie :) made you think about how what you do every day, no matter how mundane, really connects to everything else - cool topic, but i have too much work to catch up on to get into that right now, ha ha.

i just wanted to write this down before i forgot, since it happens that my best bursts of inspiration (or even just really seeing something for what feels like the first time) happen at the most random moments with no pen or paper in sight. anyway, this one came to me as i sat in the middle of 3 other girls in the back of a sub-compact car, driving down the dark highway leading to concepción from our venue about 45 minutes outside of town. i can't remember the name.

the spanish was flying, as i'm now accustomed to. the kind of techno you'd hear in a club in ibiza was flowing through the speakers as two girls in the back dozed and the guys in the front made small talk. i was sitting just listening and staring out the front window, hoping to catch a glimpse of what the countryside really looks like through the darkness - nope, ha ha. as i sat there listening and watching, i didn't quite have deja vu (as i've had lots and lots and lots of times since i've been here), but just a realization about it. well, i don't know. the thought just suddenly occurred to me that if i had dreamt about this moment, the ambience, the people - this everything - while still in the u.s., i probably would've woken up thinking, wtf? why the hell would i be in a car surrounded by people speaking spanish, techno, and flying down a dark highway in the middle of nowhere familiar? well, there i was :)

it's funny how something so random can seem so improbable - and suddenly it's your reality.

never say never...

a different view.

noreply@blogger.com (Johanna) — Sat, 27 Jun 2009 20:38:00 +0000

i can't get over the mountains here. seriously, i'm a little obsessed and i think i'm starting to freak people out, ha ha :)

i've never lived in a place with mountains so close - and not only close, but the kind of mountains with snow caps that you think of as only existing in stories. well, unless you're from a place like santiago, chile :D i can see the andes out my window, snow caps and all (on clear days). and on the way to the office, i can see the mountains on the other side of the city, spread out and glorious in their snow-capped amazingness. i don't know how everyone else walks by on the street and pretends not to notice, but i know that i can't stop staring as soon as i walk out of the labryinth of the metro. call me crazy :)

it's something that has always resounded of something more for me though, being amazed at things that others take for granted. people did it in atlanta all the time. visitors come, you show them around to the places that you walk past every day but then you find something new, something unexpected, something amazing that was sitting under your nose for months or years and you had no idea. it's incredible. this morning (well, afternoon) a friend from the lc here, tomás, and i ran up the cerro san cristobal here in santiago - 6 km, all uphill, ending in an incredible view of the city and all of the snow-capped incredibleness surrounding it. at the top, there's also an area with small shops and food stands and at the very very top, a huge statue of our lady of santiago, or the virgin. tomás, who has lived in santiago for years, hadn't been there in awhile and was still amazed by the view and even a small church that we found up there too where they still have mass every sunday. everything was very peaceful, even with all of the families walking around. i unfortunately didn't have my camera, just the crappy one on my phone, but i'm definitely planning on going back soon to get some shots :) i'm also hoping that the next time we decide to engage in the masochism of running up this hill (more like small mountain), i can make it without having to stop and walk 3 times...we'll see.

so to sum it all up, cerro san cristobal is a must-see in santiago, always be open to discovering the unknown that's been right in front of you forever, and bring your camera to document...always :)

catching up

noreply@blogger.com (Johanna) — Tue, 23 Jun 2009 04:00:00 +0000

it feels soooooo good to catch up sometimes :)

tonight i had the chance to talk to one of my best friends of all time for over an hour on skype - for free! i love technology :) a lot can happen in a month, as it turns out.

i also realized that though what i learned in brazil is still very true - a place is nothing without its people - the converse is also true: if you have the people, even if you're not in the same place, it won't matter. i've known this particular friend for over 10 years. we went to different colleges after high school, and though we didn't get to see each other all the time, it hasn't mattered at all in terms of our friendship. i have a few other friends like this too, and it always feels really really good to catch up :)

before i even had thought about coming to chile, the prospect of moving ANYWHERE and starting over scared me a lot. you just get so comfortable, you know? and then you start to take for granted the people that know you best, just because they always have. i love making new friends, but it takes a conversation like the one i had last night to make you realize how long it takes to build a friendship like that - i've already been so lucky as to make some cool friends here and that we all get along as well as we do, considering that we'll be living and working together for an entire year. but there are just some parts of yourself you don't let go that fast, i guess, whether you mean to or not - and there are also some parts of yourself that some people may never know because it was you when you were 10 or when you were 16. they can't help that, of course :) anyway, to sum it all up, it seems that i'm in a good place in terms of friends right now, no matter where we all are in the world or where we're all from in the world :)

the same is also true for relationships, it seems. still more in love than ever, even thousands of miles away :)

damn, i've been lucky. now if only i could find a good way to just bring all of us together...

adjusting

noreply@blogger.com (Johanna) — Sat, 13 Jun 2009 15:05:00 +0000

adjusting to life here wasn't nearly as hard as it was in brazil. i guess because maybe i haven't felt singled-out or alone here (i do live with 6 people, after all, ha ha). by tuesday though, this number will decrease to 3, and i'm wondering if the reality will set in then. i don't have a family here as i did in brazil, despite its differences from my own in the u.s. and when i'm faced with only having a few people here, all of whom are from different countries, what will it be like then?

i had my first (and hopefully last) visit to the doctor yesterday. my insurance company found him for me and helped make the appointment (and then paid for it, yay!) which was good. my friend javi went with me to an address that we knew was in a nice neighborhood, but didn't know exactly where it was. after taking the metro and then the bus, we start walking toward the address and quickly realize that it wasn't for an office building but for an apartment! a guy in his 50's or so wearing a doctor coat opens the door and lets us in to a huge apartment, very nicely decorated, and with an office in the back. wow. the doctor was very nice - i think he was german. he spoke perfect english in a british accent and books about germany covered the back wall of his office. he asked me a lot of questions about my symptoms before he started to check anything out, then did some basic looking up my nose and in my ears stuff, ha ha :) i guess the weirdest part about the whole thing was that it wasn't a typical office. it wasn't sketchy, exactly, but i don't know - i was glad javi was there.

so now i have some (very expensive) meds to help me get better, which takes me out of commission to enjoy the colombian night and my own u.s. night festivities this weekend :( at least i can eat the peanut butter sandwiches and goldfish i brought from home, ha ha :) monday is the first official day of my term, finally arrived after being here for a month. has it been that long/short? in some ways it feels much longer and in others much shorter. i missing everyone at home a lot, especially since i've been sick :( i'm excited about work though, so we'll see. also crossing my fingers that juan gets the traineeship he interviewed for this week - i really really really hope so :D

in and out.

noreply@blogger.com (Johanna) — Sun, 07 Jun 2009 14:40:00 +0000

last weekend i had the awesome experience of not only participating in but also facilitating in sdl pacifico, one of the 2 biannual regional conferences they have here. sdl is basically the spanish version of lds, and there were 3 main tracks - a regionally-run outgoing prep seminar, a leadership track, and an intro to leadership track done in the form of an aiesec simulation. i was working in this last track, introducing the newies to ogx, why it's important, how we can do it in the best way, etc. at the same time, i had a fictional lc all to myself to help coach through all of the other activities. they ended up doing really great, but this point was a little difficult since not everyone knew english and my spanish was unintelligble sometimes, i think, ha ha :) overall though, very challenging and fun experience :) probably one of the coolest things was that i got to meet a lot of people that i'll be working with over the next year. here, relationships are very important for the working environment too, so i feel like i got a good start, at least :)

sdl took place from friday to sunday at a cabaña an hour away from concepción. by the time we arrived back in concepción after the conference and then boarded a bus back to santiago, we arrived here at 6:30 am. wow. exhausted, we each took an extra 3 hr nap to make up for lost sleep and began our day at 2 pm with general transition. we ended up working pretty late the first night, until 9 pm or so and covered lots of material. and the following days of the week followed suit. days flew by filled with SWOT analysis, presentations, discussion, strategy, notes, diagrams, mate, chocolate cookies, mandarinas, goodbyes, hellos, and everything in between. my predecessor, vika, left wednesday night for buenos aires and leaves tonight for russia - marina, the previous vp tm left yesterday morning for buenos aires and leaves next weekend for russia. tomorrow, marek, the new vp tm from poland will arrive at 7 am and the next day juli from buenos aires, the new vp er. everything's been happening so fast with people coming and going and planning and transition happening all the while. i can't believe that by tuesday i would've already been here for 3 weeks, a time that passed slower somehow in brazil.

i think it's because there's a whole group of people here in my exact position - foreigners, working on the new mc, living together, getting to know the city, etc. maybe i don't feel so singled-out. maybe it's because i've done this before (to a certain extent). either way, i'm feeling comfortable and excited about the position - just really missing some pieces back in the u.s. that's something i don't think will ever pass, just something i can't let debilitate me. i'm thinking that i'll be so busy that there won't be time anyway, ha ha :)

so to you guys in the u.s., i miss you all like crazy - and to everyone here, thanks so much for everything, it's going to be an awesome year :)

prepared.

noreply@blogger.com (Johanna) — Fri, 29 May 2009 20:20:00 +0000

i've spent that last couple of days preparing to facilitate my first cono sur conference. i'll be in the newie track teaching all the new aiesecers here about what ogx is, how we do it, and hopefully foster some discussion on how we can do it better. i'm really nervous, especially since i'm thinking i might have to try to do my sessions in spanish, but really excited too. doing the work for the conference has prepared me in ways that transition couldn't to do my job, and with each presentation completed i become more confident :)

i was lucky that the aiesecer i stayed with here in concepción liked to go out :) though not a big city, concepción has its own unique style of "nightlife," almost more like a college town. the city is charming, the people are nice, and though calm in the streets, i suspect that the aiesecers that all arrived here for the conference today are crazy, ha ha ;)

so in a couple of hours i'll be trying my best to remember people's names, learn some new dances, and explain myself effectively in some sort of language, whether it be english, spanish, or spanglish.

as i was told once when i sneezed here by a guy that speaks very good english but didn't know the difference between salud for sneezing and salud for drinks in english...cheers :)

familiar

noreply@blogger.com (Johanna) — Sat, 23 May 2009 23:13:00 +0000

this all seems familiar, somehow. i have so much to learn, lots of people to meet, a huge and wonderful adventure ahead of me, fear, shyness, and just me to carry myself through. i haven't been expected to depend on anyone else here, and i like that. and i haven't felt like i needed to, really.

but i do have some holes in my heart from home. i guess that's to be expected.

though chileans are more like americans in some ways than i ever would've imagined. and i'm like them in some ways that makes this feel familiar.

the first person of my team (besides me and the mcp) arrives tomorrow - the apartment is slowly becoming home. i know where to do laundry, buy groceries, have a cell phone, and have been able to have fun in parties speaking only spanish :) i'm excited and scared to death, but i guess that's normal.

here's to the city graceful in its cleanliness and pensive in its personality. and here's to the year ahead.

estoy aquí

noreply@blogger.com (Johanna) — Tue, 19 May 2009 18:31:00 +0000

it still hasn't sunk in that i'm really here and this is really happening.

i arrived this morning in santiago, chile with little drama (much less than getting to brazil). well, it would've been perfect except for the fact that i realized as i went through customs that i had left my winter coat on the plane. this was quickly remedied, however, and i was soon able to be on my way. javi, the current mc vp er, met me at the airport and guided me through the trek through bus and metro to the "flat," as they've been calling it (yay for british english, ha ha).

it turns out that though he's mexican, he lived in the u.s. for 3 years during college so he's been able to relate the differences that i might notice, which is interesting. turns out they love french fries with meat and onions here, mayonnaise is different and plentiful (though i still don't intend to eat it), and avacado is a staple. they don't eat beans at all though, it seems, which is really sad :( the metro was eerily quiet, a far cry from the echoing conversations of marta.

i'm already missing some people from home, but i think (and hope) i'll adapt quickly to this impeccably clean city, surrounded by mountains clouded in smog. i'll do my best at least :)

pictures will be coming soon. and as i sit here in the café (yay starbucks), trying to figure out what the rest of the day will bring, i know that my adventure has already begun.

tomorrow...

noreply@blogger.com (Johanna) — Mon, 18 May 2009 03:17:00 +0000

...is the first day of the next phase of my life
...i get on a plane that leaves for santiago, chile
...has come quickly
...is exciting
...is terrifying
...i will still be me
...will be full of goodbyes
...awaits the hellos on the other side

...i will, once again, begin a new adventure
...a new dream will be born
...i will go forward not forgetting for a second what's behind

bring on tomorrow.

...the final countdown

noreply@blogger.com (Johanna) — Tue, 12 May 2009 03:00:00 +0000

so i leave a week from today for my year-long adventure in chile. just wrote a 13-page analysis of current exchange trends and proposals for the next year today.

it all got me thinking more and more about it and how real and fast it's becoming.

i need to pack to unpack, practice my spanish a little, spend quality time with my friends, boyfriend, and family, take care of some logistical and errand-ish things, and just enjoy being here at home.

i'm not scared though, which is a different sensation than the 2 times i went abroad for much shorter periods of time than this before...that's one of the first things that everyone assumes, too. that i must be terrified of going alone to a country thousands of miles away.

maybe i will be as the day gets closer...but is it weird that i'm not?

mother's day

noreply@blogger.com (Johanna) — Sun, 10 May 2009 13:47:00 +0000

i have the best parents in the world. seriously.

maybe i'm biased, but you know, it can't be a bad thing to love your parents and think they're awesome, right? and since today is mother's day, i want to talk about my mom :)

i've been a crazy (but good, of course) kid over the years. in middle school i came home upset that "boys didn't like me" - in high school i was the artsy, introspective, and slightly emo kid that came home upset when my first boyfriend broke my heart - in college, i went from the crew girl to the aiesec kid with everything in between and came home upset when i felt like i was going to fail out of georgia tech and had no idea what i wanted to do with my life. and all these times, and more (including all of the good times), my mom has been there for me. i don't think she's seen eye-to-eye with me always on my ways of dealing with or approaching things (like going to chile for a year, for example), but she's always understood on some deeper level and allowed me to do and be what i felt i needed at the time. she's taken care of me and her worries, i know, are there because she cares for me. she's fun, funny, smart, talented, and has taught me a lot about lots of things, even just by listening.

i am a better person because of her, and i love her very much.

thanks for everything, mom :) and happy mother's day!

the deed has been done...

noreply@blogger.com (Johanna) — Sun, 03 May 2009 14:00:00 +0000

...i graduated! hard to believe, but the moment came in went in a frenzy of gold and white hoods, swinging tassels of the same color, and seas of black, flowing robes. after sitting amidst this sea for 1.5 hrs, the walk across the stage took only a few seconds, the only thoughts occupying my mind being "yes!" and "don't trip!"

yesterday, thought not the day of my graduation, held family, food, memories, and gifts, as well as the graduation of many good friends :) everything went by so fast to the point that by the end of the day, i could barely keep my eyes open or my head clear.

and now, it's already sunday. packing my life (once again) looms on the horizon and emails have already arrived provoking thought for strategies and ideas for the next year.

it's been an amazing weekend, but very fast. and i don't feel like this will be the only one. only 2.5 weeks until chile, and in that time, there's so much to be done, so many people to see.

overwhelming but exciting. let's get started!

inspiration and the thrill of the chase.

noreply@blogger.com (Johanna) — Mon, 27 Apr 2009 14:43:00 +0000

i've realized lately (or admitted to myself) the importance of the "thrill of the chase" to my working style, my ambition, my interests, and my inspiration. i don't think it applies to my personal relationships, but in terms of these other factors, it holds a little more relevance than i'd like.

part of the reason i entered engineering (i orginally came in to tech as a management major) was because of the challenge. everyone talked about how hard it was (but rewarding, of course) and without meaning to, i found myself wanting to try it out and see what i could do. maybe i wanted to prove to myself that i could do it. maybe i'm just an overachiever (though these high school tendencies have since worn off a little). i don't know.

i do know that i ended up in a really good position throughout it all in choosing environmental engineering, but i cringe to remember one of the main reasons that i went though it in the first place. it makes me question my decisions then and my decisions now and their motivations. it's dangerous to do something to prove that you can instead of doing it because you want to and it inspires you. i've been lucky once in that i ended up being passionate about my field but hopefully now can more aware so that i don't need luck to eventually end up where i want to be.

wherever that may be.

ticket to ride.

noreply@blogger.com (Johanna) — Mon, 20 Apr 2009 21:12:00 +0000

I have a flight.

I have my gown and hood for graduation.

May 18, I leave for Santiago. It's all still so unreal.

I had my last GPM at AIESEC GT tonight. I'm the "Most Ambitious," :)

Homeworking. Studying. Savoring. Expressing. Trying.

it finally feels like spring.

noreply@blogger.com (Johanna) — Thu, 16 Apr 2009 12:44:00 +0000

everything is finally starting to come together now, but maybe even a little too fast.

everything in school is piling up before GRADUATION in 2 weeks!!! i find myself trying to finish everything (to make sure that i can graduate, ha ha) but at the same time with no inspiration to do any of it. i think it's just major senioritis and am hoping that this isn't an indication of how i feel about the profession of environmental engineering in general, but we'll see. i already know that i don't want to take the traditional engineering pathway of sitting at my desk and running computer programs. guess i won't be doing that for the next year, at least :)

at the same time, i'm trying to take advantage of everything and everyone i have here since a part of me knows that i may not see them for a long while, or in some cases a really really long while. that's the thing about graduation - everyone goes their separate ways afterwards, and especially after being out of touch for a year, it could be way too easy to slip out of it.

there just aren't enough hours in the day, but everything will get done, eventually. i just found out that i won't need to get my permanent chilean visa here, which is one less thing to worry about :)

almost to the finish line - just need to push on through.

minha cidade nova :D

noreply@blogger.com (Johanna) — Tue, 07 Apr 2009 22:58:00 +0000

preston joked with me last night that i should write about my upcoming mc developments in portuguese, ha ha ha ha :) bem, podería fazer isso, mas eu quero que todo mundo entenda o que estou dizendo...só hoje, pelo menos :D

tenho mais coisas dizer, mas agora mesmo, só quero dizer isto...

vou morar (por o ano que vem) en santiago, chile!!!

vou viajar muito também, eu acho (espero), e não posso acreditar-lo! que emocionado!

well, preston, there's your portuguese ;) but i think the most important part of this, everyone gets...

santiago, get ready :D

full circle.

noreply@blogger.com (Johanna) — Sun, 05 Apr 2009 21:52:00 +0000

i was thinking the other day, as i jogged around the peaceful lake behind my apartment, that despite all that has happened in the past year (ie graduation, my traineeship in brazil, making new friends, getting involved in new activities, learning new things, being a grad student, etc.), i've come full circle. granted, i'm not the same person completely that i was a year ago, but i'm sure that if you looked at blog posts from when i started this thing in april 2008, you'd see similar events going on as now. for instance, i graduated last may with a bachelor's degree in civil engineering; i will graduate this may with a master's degree in environmental engineering. i had just found out that i was going to spend 3 months of my life living and working in brazil and was suuuper excited; i just found out i'm going to spend 1 year of my life living in working somewhere in southern cone (argentina, uruguay, chile) and am really really really super excited :) there are other things, of course, but these are the main ones.

and i can't help but think that though i came full circle in some ways, how have things changed this time around? well, for one, there's not much fear. this time last year, though i was soooo excited about going to brazil and already knew i'd be starting graduate school when i returned in the fall, i was still afraid a little: afraid of being alone, afraid of not knowing anyone or the language or the customs or the people, afraid of just being in a new place like that. i realize that 3 months and 1 year aren't the same, but this is something that i've always wanted, and this time around, i don't feel afraid, though from the reactions of some people when i tell them i'm going, maybe i should, ha ha :) brazil changed me. my experience there changed me, and the people i met. a year later, i still talk to most of them and it feels so normal. i still don't have a clear idea of what i want to do with my life overall, but i feel like my experience in brazil pushed me in the right direction, and here i am :)

in a way, this should be scarier since when i come back, there won't be a university waiting for me as it has for the past 5 years. there will, however, be a family, a great group of friends, and an amazing boyfriend (who might actually get to have an amazing international experience of his own :D) - and maybe this is what keeps me from being scared. comfort isn't so much about a place - you can always adapt; it's people. georgia tech has been good to me, but i feel like it's time for me to move on, finally :) i think it's good that i stayed for an extra year to do the master's thing and finally feel ready. well, now i do, and i think i'll be much better off for it.

i'm nervous, but not afraid of what lies ahead. and that, i think, is growing up :)

um. wow. :)

noreply@blogger.com (Johanna) — Tue, 31 Mar 2009 13:45:00 +0000

so after it was all said and done, i ended up being selected as mc vp ogx for aiesec cono sur! i still can't believe it :) i still have some logistical issues to work out to make sure i can go, but the selection part is over and the results are in :D

para que sepan...